His Dark Materials: An Alternate Story
by Lord Remus Asriel Lupin
Summary: You may just be unable to stop laughing after you've read this. Seriously.


**His Dark Materials Trilogy: An Alternate Story**

**Chapter 1**

[A/N: This story is written by Lord Asriel (Administrator of the site) and little old me). It is being updated _continuously_ in http://www.cityintheclouds. - The Aurora: His Dark Materials RP. RP has just begun, and best of all, it's new so most canon characters aren't taken yet. Readers are welcomed to drop by the site and RP or check out the continuation of this story. (Chapter 2 has just begun)

Iorek Brynison and Lyra Belcaqua were dancing the tango in a bar while Pantalaimon watched in jealousy. His eyes were dark and his glare was obvious, but no one noticed that except for the Lady Galadriel, who was standing nearby laughing at the dancing of a drunk Harry Potter.

Then, news that England lost against Croatia arrived. Everyone sobbed and cried. Eragon arrived on Saphira and Pantalaimon immediately falls for Saphira. The drunk Harry Potter goes tipsy and kisses Lady Galadriel, who responds passionately, causing Legolas to explode in anger.

But that was not the only explosion that rocked the foundations of the very earth itself, as in a flash of brilliant white, James Bond (Daniel Craig formed of course) leapt out of a building being attacked by aliens. Lord Asriel looked at James Bond somewhat awkwardly, but before anything could be said on their uncannily alike appearances James Bond had leapt to the left, drawing his Glock to aim and fire at Eragon, killing him instantly.

Saphira roars in anger and seeing his lover in distress, Pan yells out loud.

"I HATE YOU!" He says, in perhaps the biggest case of mistaken identity, towards Lord Asriel, instead of a now very confused James Bond (Daniel Craig).

Meanwhile, Celeborn appears with Will Parry through a window. He goes straight to Potter in anger and kills him.

"Don't you dare touch my wife!" Galadriel then slaps Celeborn there.

"Ow!"

"That boy could kiss better than you and you're at least 300 years older than him! How could you? I bet he can do better on bed than you! He's a young one full of energy, while you still need Viagra for a climax!" They started arguing over sex.

Saphira cries in distress, roaring loudly. The whole building crashes under the strength of her roar and everyone ends up on the road. Lyra kicks Saphira in anger, (She really liked dancing with Iorek) and Pan immediately starts arguing with her.

Lyra and Pan were arguing stupidly, blindly and their voices annoyed everyone else. After being promptly told to shut up by the majority of the people gathered, Lyra and Pan angrily walked in opposing directions only to gasp in pain as their separation became too annoying and sat down not facing each other, Lyra with her arms crossed and Pan with his nose facing away.

Otherwise, the group of characters were finding it more and more confusing. Celeborn and Galadriel were still arguing about their sexual lives, though in more hushed voices due to popular demand. Suddenly, in a moment of passionate rage, they embraced each other, kissing ferociously, and disappeared behind a piece of rubble. No one dared follow them.

Saphira still sobbing, was beginning to pluck at her scales, using pain to distract herself from grief. Iorek and Legolas were still trying to distinguish between James Bond and Lord Asriel (Lord Asriel having shaved, and they had swapped clothing so that they both wore a mix of swanky tux and cold weather clothing).

Will Parry stands on top of a stool and announces loudly.

"MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!" Everyone stops talking at once. Even Galadriel stands up in surprise, exposing her boobs.

"My Lady, cover, cover!" Legolas waves his hands in dismay, but not before, everyone has a good look at her boobs. She blushes and disappears again. Will Parry is speechless at the sight of things he shouldn't have seen. In a vain show of nonchalance, Legolas looks around before screeching like a mad woman. Bond looks around and gives a much more gentlemanly yelp of dismay. Saphira looks into the distance and roars out loud.

"ALIENS!!!!!!" shouts Bond.

"The Orcs and the Uruk-hai are coming, with the Witchking Angmar, Lord of the Nazgul!" screeches Legolas.

"Galbotorix, Shades, Ra'zacs and Urgals!" roars Saphira, who telepathically communicates this info to Pan, who runs round like a chicken with its head cut off.

"I've lost it! I'm hearing voices in my head!" he said, leaping into Lyra's hands crying.

Lord Asriel rolls his eyes and even then, his air of authority was unshakable. "We need a plan. First, what are aliens, orcs, Urgals, Shades, Nazguls, Ra'zacs and Galbotorixes?" His eyes were suddenly fixed towards the sky.

"My goodness! Metatron!" Will finally remembers what he wanted to say and bellows out loud. "PEOPLE! HAVE ANY OF YOU SEEN MY FATHER? HE'S WENT MISSING AND HIS NAME IS JOHN PARRY!"

Then, heavy breathing could be heard! Darth Vader descended slowly from the sky, red lightsaber in hand. Behind him were Imperial Ships and Star Destroyers filled with Clone Troopers. He extends a hand towards Will and says: "Will, _I_ am your father." The London Philharmonic Orchestra appears and "The Imperial March of Darth Vader" could be heard.


End file.
